We’re going down! Abandon ship!
Posted By atorturedsoul on December 14, 2009
As I continue my downward spiral into the depths of depravity in the midst of December, my “brave face” is already starting to wash away. This is not going to be good.
I have agoraphobia and that is a terrible thing to have during the holidays. I am okay with a crowd of friends because I put on my brave face and keep moving. Without a crowd, it doesn’t work so well. I had a major meltdown over the weekend during an outing that involved multiple stops in crowded shops. The one thing that I keep hearing in my head is someone saying, “What is wrong with you?” As I took half a Xanax, I said, “Do you think I enjoy this?”
Ahh, the bliss of being misunderstood. I try. I try really hard. I tried to prepare myself for this outing, but it was too much and I knew it from the start. The plan was to stop and eat at a restaurant, head to a crowded mall to stand in line for Santa, visit multiple shops in said crowded mall, and then visit a couple of other places before returning home. I was doomed to fail from the beginning but I still hung in there pretty well. At least I thought so. Apparently, I was wrong.
Honestly, I did very well. I was snippy and I was very negative but I wasn’t screaming. I still felt like someone was saying I was a horrible person and I ended up crying the entire way. I don’t cry, mind you, but I sat staring out the window as tears streamed down my face. I hated the fact that it was getting dark and I had to remove my sunglasses before I got out of the vehicle. More importantly, I hated me at that moment.
It shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to just go and do things with my family without bursting into tears or freaking out. Unfortunately, it isn’t like that for me and I cannot change it. Am I a horrible person because I can’t? Are they horrible for not being more understanding? I think we share the same amount of “horribleness” and that is how we are the same.
I don’t know. The only thing I do know right now is that I must attend my daughter’s band concert tonight all by myself and I would rather die than walk into a crowded auditorium and sit alone beside strangers for almost two hours. My descent continues. I keep stumbling on things that make death seem more favorable. I have to do something quick.
Here’s the deal. I am rational at this point but maybe I am a bit too rational. I know the medication I am on keeps me from committing suicide. It isn’t taking away the ideation, but it has taken away the nerve to try and that is a good thing. The bad thing is that one of the voices in my head is trying to convince me that I could regain that nerve if I just stop taking the medication. I am not listening to it but it’s trying to trick me.
I have problems with short term memory from time to time and I will end up trying to remember if I took my medication only five minutes after I took it. This happened last night and I was pretty sure that I didn’t take it, but the voice…the voice said I shouldn’t take it because I probably took it already because that is always the first thing I do before bed and taking two could be worse than skipping a dose. This sounded very rational to me then, but now I am pretty sure I didn’t take my medication last night and I know the voice knew that and I fell for it because I was trying to be rational a always and the voice knows that. My “voice of wisdom” is plotting against me, at a time where I feel like I am resented and seen as a burden.
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We’re going down! Abandon ship! http://www.allaboutbipolar.com/2009/12/14/we%e2%80%99re-going-down-abandon-ship/
RT @torturedsoul: We’re going down! Abandon ship! http://www.allaboutbipolar.com/2009/12/14/we%e2%80%99re-going-down-abandon-ship/
you should keep your meds in a marked day container so you’ll know for sure if you took it or not.
keep hanging in there. i’m glad you are talking yourself through this.
have you tried find comfort in the anonymity of being out with strangers? know one knows who you are. just a suggestion…
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by atorturedsoul, serenity lakota. serenity lakota said: RT @torturedsoul: We’re going down! Abandon ship! http://www.allaboutbipolar.com/2009/12/14/we%e2%80%99re-going-down-abandon-ship/ [...]
I am going to have to do that. I am usually pretty good with taking my meds but this tie of year is so busy and I get all screwed up at times.
I think my big issue right now is all my issues. I feel like such a burden.
We’re going down! Abandon ship! http://www.allaboutbipolar.com/2009/12/14/we%e2%80%99re-going-down-abandon-ship/
RT @torturedsoul: We’re going down! Abandon ship! http://www.allaboutbipolar.com/2009/12/14/we%e2%80%99re-going-down-abandon-ship/
oh, darlin’, i hear you. kudos to you for going out at all. how dlid the concert go? i felt the same way at thanksgiving and ended up having a major panic attack. i had to cancel going to my daughter’s inlaws at the last minute. my daughter was furious and told me i was just using BP as an excuse to be lazy…again. ouch. it’s been a tense holiday season.
i get accused of being a crazy, selfish, flake. i remind them i have a mental illness then ask what’s their excuse? yea…they don’t like that! lol!
anyway, i so appreciate you sharing your experiences. you are NOT alone. you ARE a good person. it is this blasted illness that is horrible, not you. you are taking the time to reach out and help others.
(btw, i changed my name on twitter from janmcq to justt_mee)