Holding a grudge. It’s not bipolar disorder
Posted By atorturedsoul on October 22, 2009
Don’t get mad, get even.
That’s my motto. Why?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I’m not even going to give you the opportunity to get me twice. Not anymore, pal. Why?
Been there, done that.
If you can dream it up, it’s been done to me at some point in life. It has put me on the defensive, and it’s a permanent state. Why?
Trust no one.
I don’t believe trust is something you just do. Someone has to earn it and if they betray that trust just once, can you really expect that they will never ever do it again? No. So, I trust no one…not even myself. Why? I am my own worst enemy.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty here. I hold grudges for a lifetime. Forgiveness? Sure. I will tell you I forgive you but I will never forget and never truly forgive you.
It has nothing to do with paranoia and I don’t need therapy for it. It’s my line of defense against a sea of people who must inflict misery on others to feel better about themselves.
I have dealt with abuse-mental, physical, and sexual. If I laid out my life story, you would think I was making it up. You’d never believe it. Now, I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am making sure it doesn’t happen again.
If you know someone who holds grudges and stay mad, you might want to think about why they are that way. Many of us have damned good reasons. To understand me and who I am, you must understand this part of me and what makes me this way.
So, what makes me hold a grudge?
Lie to me. If I catch you in just one lie-just one-I will never believe a word that comes out of your mouth again for the rest of my life unless I can prove it to be true. Someone who lies has more issues than I do, and that’s a lot. Lying is intentional deceit for personal gain. There is no other reason for a lie-it’s always about personal gain. Well, you won’t get anywhere here so don’t try it. You may think you are slick, but I always have you pegged. I can smell a liar. It’s just one of my amazing talents.
Frienemies: A “toxic” person who poses as a friend but subconsciously or consciously wishes you harm. Clear as glass, I see right through them. Frienemies are another thing I can detect quickly. Once you have been added to my list of “frienemies” there is no coming back. These are people who talk about you behind your back while kissing your ass when they are around you. They aren’t worth the trouble and I cut them loose without blinking and never regret it. Can you spot a frienemy? Start looking closely at those who do not have any close friends they have known more than a year or two or three. They usually don’t keep friends long so this is a red flag. A co-worker/ frienemy is the worst because you must deal with them regardless.
Paranoid people. Did you say that about me? Was that meant for me? Did you say *insert whatever you want because I don’t care* about me? I am honest to a fault. I have no problem telling people what I think If you feel you have to worry about what I am saying, it’s likely because of what you are saying. That’s too much trouble for me. I graduated from high school a long time ago and I’m not reliving that experience. Move along. You’ll never gain my respect.
What’s the biggest thing that will make me hold a grudge and never let go of it?
Hurt someone I love. Surprise you? I am not an “it’s all about me” person…unless I’m really manic, but cut me some slack, will ya? Seriously, say something that hurts someone I care about or do something that causes them pain and I will never have any use for you again-even if it was unintentional. Even if they forgive you, I never will, and I mean never. I may be civil to you for the sake of the other person, but that’s a rare case as well. Even so, I will never like you, never trust you, or never have any use for you again. Why? I’ve been hurt. I’ve been hurt bad. You CANNOT hurt someone I love and expect me to let it slide. Yep. That’s how it is.
Straying from my point, but domestic violence….oh boy! I was abused for years by a spouse and I refuse to let it slide–period. Someone recently told me that I needed to let go of something because everyone makes mistakes. In my world, you pay for your mistakes. I don’t let go. Be ticked if you want. I won’t ever let it go if I live to be 100 years old. If you are around me, you’re in my world. Expect to pay. Game over. It’s going down.
That’s not the point of this post. I just got sidetracked by my last point.
My point is that holding a grudge, in my case, is more of a defense mechanism. It keeps me, and people I love, from being hurt. Bipolar disorder amplifies it, but that is not what causes it. I don’t feel like I need help for it. I hurt myself enough. I don’t need anyone else doing it. Is that so bad?
Now the anger issue…well that’s a different story. To quote a song I like:
If you’re mad I’m on top, then wish me gone.
If you’re mad I’m on the road, then wish me home.
If you’re mad that I’m right, punk, wish me wrong.
But after your three wishes, blow it out your ass.
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About the author
Holding a grudge. It’s not bipolar disorder- I hold grudges for a lifetime. Forgiveness? Sure. I will tell y… http://bit.ly/7p2Tw
Holding a grudge. It's not bipolar disorder http://bit.ly/3feEUA
I hear you!
I’m not trusting either. It’s both a hindrance and a blessing. It hurts my heart so much when someone hurts me that I put up a wall in front of me. I never truly forgive and forget either. I wish I could, but I don’t think it’s in my programming.
Good post.
Holding a grudge. It’s not bipolar disorder- I hold grudges for a lifetime. Forgiveness? Sure. I will tell y… http://bit.ly/7p2Tw
Holding a grudge. It’s not bipolar disorder- I hold grudges for a lifetime. Forgiveness? Sure. I will tell y… http://bit.ly/7p2Tw
Holding a grudge. It's not bipolar disorder http://bit.ly/3feEUA
Holding a grudge. It's not bipolar disorder http://bit.ly/3feEUA
It doesn’t take much to put up that proverbial wall when you have been hurt. With bipolar disorder, you already have enough to deal with aside from worrying about what this person or that person is going to do to you. I think it is a (sometimes) necessary defense mechanism.
Hope you are doing well. I know you have had a tough time for several months now.
Hi – I just read your post and loved it! Thank you for saying things that are normal and healthy.
Like, the need for people to earn your trust, hurt-my-loved-ones-and-you’re-instant-history, the way that we can never forgive some wrongs AND we don’t need treatment for it to ‘move on’.
Cutting these wrongdoers out of our lives is actually sane and reasonable, despite all this *&*(%* psychobabble about forgiving and compassion. I’ve never found that my ‘failure’ to forgive some people has made a rod for my own back or an extra ‘toxic burden’ to carry around. No, what it’s done is simple: it’s protected me and mine!
So, brilliant post! Thanks.
I was actually googling for information on the effects of BPD, how it actually manifests in daily life etc. Over the last year I’ve been scammed by someone who has diagnosed BPD of longstanding. I’ve been very compassionate towards this person because, although I know little about BPD, I imagined that she couldn’t help her behavior. Now I’m questioning whether the sustained deceit, deliberate evasions and monumental selfishness are actually down to BPD or whether they are separate character flaws that would be there anyway regardless of BPD.
Any opinions? (Uh, daft question! You’re clearly a lady with a wealth of strong opinions and a great way of articulating them! Can’t wait to hear…!
Sam
Anger is a common symptom, but I wouldn’t say deceit is a symptom. I would classify it as a character flaw. Her illness probably doesn’t help it any, but in my opinion it isn’t part of the illness itself.
Having said that, I think there is a big difference in needing attention due to illness (which some people would label as selfish) and using lies and manipulating people for personal gain. I will assume you’re talking about being “scammed” as her using you for personal gain and tell you a few experiences of my own.
I know a woman who has bipolar disorder that is so severe that she is disabled by it. She has been in and out of jail for various offenses over the past twenty years. Some of them could be attributed to her illness and the need to protect her own well being coupled with a bit of poor judgment. For instance, she shot a man in the shoulder who was beating her. She should have defended herself and shooting him was a snap reaction. I can understand that. Stealing…well I have never heard of kleptomania being a symptom of this illness and her problems go way beyond stealing. She found an elderly man (by elderly, I mean the poor man doesn’t have many years left) who is well off and has Alzheimer’s. She is fleecing him for every dime she can. Is that her illness? Certainly not. Knowing this woman for several decades, I know it is a character flaw caused by her environment because she has relatives who are just like her.
I know a lot of people online and several people who are close to me who have bipolar disorder. The woman I mentioned is the only one I know with such issues, so I would have to say it’s a character flaw and not the illness.
Now if you’re asking if her wishing to be alone sometimes or has a need to separate herself from others is a symptom then that would be part of the illness as we all withdraw at times–sometimes for a long time. I get the impression that part of it is illness related but there are character flaws as well.
Honestly, I would have to know more about the situation to be able to fully understand and give an opinion on it, but my initial impression would be it is both the illness and character flaws. If she is fleecing you, remember the old adage, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
If you need to talk, don’t hesitate to email me: support@allaboutbipolar.com
Thanks a lot for your reply. It’s certainly helpful. Though, as I feared, what I’ve encountered seems not so much bipolar disorder but more to do with character issues.
I think I can see how there is a complex interaction between the two. For example, could the manic phase lead one into grandiose plans or becoming hugely infatuated with someone – and then not be able to follow through? And instead of coming clean and admitting ‘whoops! sorry, no can do’, the character flaw might lead one to be deceitful and evasive in order to cover up?
I can see how there’s not much choice about the former (or only choice to gain insight about the condition and take the recommended meds), but surely there is a great deal of choice about the latter? It takes bravery to ‘fess up to one’s weaknesses but it seems to me to be more of a free choice, especially if one is very knowledgeable about one’s bipolar.
It’s an important point for me. I’ve had a terrible time trying to work out what’s what because if we’re dealing with character flaws and not the bipolar effects, the individual stands to be charged with a number of offences. Personally, it’d grieve me awfully to see someone convicted of offences they could hardly help because of illness.
Yes, whatever the cause, I’ve taken steps to ensure that there’s no more fooling going on!
Sam
Despite many similarities, certain symptoms are more common in bipolar depression than in regular depression. For example, bipolar depression is more likely to involve irritability, guilt, unpredictable mood swings, and feelings of restlessness. People with bipolar depression also tend to move and speak slowly, sleep a lot, and gain weight. In addition, they are more likely to develop psychotic depression–a condition in which they’ve lost contact with reality–and to experience major disability in work and social functioning