My friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How do I help?
Posted By atorturedsoul on October 21, 2009
My best friend of over nine years was recently diagnosed with depression and possibly bipolar disorder. How can I be supportive without being pushy?
For some time now, my friend has been depressed and has been taking antidepressants. They never seemed to help her and, at times, seemed to make things worse. I have suspected that it might be bipolar disorder for months and her symptoms back that up. Her psychologist is holding off on the diagnosis because he wants to be certain-which is a good thing.
On Monday, she was sent to a psychiatrist to decide what medication(s) should be used. First off, let me say that I am thankful that I never went to this guy because he seriously sounds like a quack. Anyway, he put her on Abilify and Trazodone. She’s not so sure that she will be able to afford the prescription for Abilify as her insurance coverage will soon change. I told her it would be better not to start taking it if she would have to change in a month if she couldn’t afford it. I know how med changes can affect you and I strongly believe she is close to being suicidal right now. She doesn’t need the extra stress involved with rotating medications when it could be avoided.
I urged her to call the psychiatrist and ask for something different or visit her regular doctor and explain the situation so he can give her a new prescription. I tried to stress that all of the symptoms of adjustment would reoccur if she had to change meds again next month. I am trying to be helpful but I feel like I am being pushy. I know how med changes can help but I also know how it can hurt when you change often. If it can be avoided, it’s easier-especially when a person is bordering on the edge and seems to be slipping.
I know plenty of people who have bipolar disorder now, but they are all people I have come to know after they were diagnosed. I have never known someone before their diagnosis until now. It’s hard even though I understand what she is going through. I realize how hard it must be for those who don’t. I sat down and tried to remember how I wished people acted whenever I have an episode. This is how I am trying to handle the situation:
- Listen. Don’t speak. Don’t give unsolicited advice unless it is necessary to prevent self harm.
- Don’t say you understand what they are going through. Even if you do, you don’t. It’s different for everyone and sometimes it can be interpreted as saying that it’s not a big deal, even if that isn’t what you’re saying.
- Don’t take it personal. Sometimes they want to be alone. Sometimes they want to talk. Sometimes they just want to sit and not speak but they don’t want to be alone. It’s nothing you have done. It’s just an overload of emotion and symptoms.
- Monitor the situation but don’t try to take control-unless it is absolutely necessary for their safety. When someone makes you feel as if they are making all the decisions for you and you don’t want them to, they’ll soon stop confiding in you. Help when asked and offer to help, but don’t just take over.
- Don’t speak to someone like it is the last time you will ever see them. Don’t try to mend fences and don’t try to point out mistakes. Don’t add to their stress in any way. It isn’t about you-it’s all about them.
- Don’t try to push them to do things they don’t want to do. If they don’t feel like leaving the house, don’t think for one second that your insistence is helping them. Sometimes this will make a person withdraw from you because you are overbearing and pushy.
I hope this helps. If you have any other suggestions, please leave a comment.
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My friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How do I help?- My best friend was diagnosed with depression and pos… http://bit.ly/3W8sYD
My friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How do I help? Support a friend or family member with bipolar disorder. http://bit.ly/3bwDYQ
Love your suggestions, they are all absolutely helpful. I would add one – “Don’t be afraid to say the word suicide”. It took me a long time to get up the nerve to ask my son if he was feeling suicidal, until I finally believed that asking would not cause him to have suicidal feelings.
RT @torturedsoul: How do I help support a friend or family member with bipolar disorder? http://bit.ly/3bwDYQ
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Thank you so much for posting this information. I’m a supporter if a bipolar spouse and have learned the hard way that the points you listed are extremely valuable in ‘being there’ for our loved ones.
Very good point, nvam. I think a lot of people-on both sides-are scared to mention suicide. I myself am getting to that point. At first I felt that telling someone I was considering suicide was a positive step for me but now I feel like people think I say this for attention. I’ll answer honestly if someone asks me directly but I don’t want to volunteer the information anymore. I am sure there are a lot of others that feel the same way and there are people who feel ashamed or don’t know how to bring it up.
You’re welcome, Rich. You’re not alone in learning the hard way but at least you are learning. I applaud that. Some people never learn which is interpreted as not caring to someone who has bipolar disorder. Bravo!
My friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How do I help?- My best friend was diagnosed with depression and pos… http://bit.ly/3W8sYD
My friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How do I help?- My best friend was diagnosed with depression and pos… http://bit.ly/3W8sYD
My friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How do I help? Support a friend or family member with bipolar disorder. http://bit.ly/3bwDYQ
My friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How do I help? Support a friend or family member with bipolar disorder. http://bit.ly/3bwDYQ
RT @torturedsoul: How do I help support a friend or family member with bipolar disorder? http://bit.ly/3bwDYQ
RT @torturedsoul: How do I help support a friend or family member with bipolar disorder? http://bit.ly/3bwDYQ
RT @torturedsoul: How do I help support a friend or family member with bipolar disorder? http://bit.ly/3bwDYQ
Your advice is sound–as is that from “nvam.” We should be wary of ignoring the elephant in the room–or making him do tricks. This is complicated business, and we’re dealing with flesh and blood–not the DSM IV (if it were only that simple).
Like you said–no two cases are alike; psychiatry , as one of my former docs said, “is an art, not a science.”
Isn’t that the truth? It’s definitely not a science. lol
Bipolar help -> http://bit.ly/mKSV1 RT
Bipolar help -> http://bit.ly/mKSV1 RT
Bipolar help -> http://bit.ly/mKSV1 RT
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You are very kind person. I am not getting the right word for you. You are helping the people suffering from bipolar disorder. Keep up the great work, you are providing a great resource on the Internet here!
My best freind is bipolar and its killing me. I dont want to say or do.. and i cant take seeing her so broken and empty. I try to say all the right things but it doesnt help, she doesnt have hope and i understand that, but i wont take that. I want to help, help in her anyway i possibly can… like these steps above.
But, is their more? What else can i do? I dont want to smother her and pushhh her away. I just want to be theirrr…
I am still trying to figure this out myself and I am finding out that it is hard when you know how much pain the person is in. My best friend is currently on a med roller coaster–stops taking meds after two or three days rather than giving them time to work. I want to scream at her that she is just making things worse but it wouldn’t do anything but cause resentment and anger.
So what am I doing? At this point, I just listen and encourage her to go to talk to her doctor. That’s all I can do. Sometimes she pulls away a bit and sometimes I pull away a bit to help maintain my own sanity. Regardless, she knows how much I love her and she knows that I will be here no matter how it goes. Right now, it is working for us. All I can say is let them know you care and you’re not going anywhere. The best thing my friend ever said to me was during a time when I was suicidal. As she was walking out the door, she said just remember I love you.