All About Bipolar

Posted By atorturedsoul on October 8, 2009

The symptoms of bipolar disorder are not caused by stress, but stress can exacerbate the symptoms of bipolar disorder.

I will give you an example from my own personal experiences.

On January 1, 2008, my father passed away. His birthday was December 23. The last few months of his life were rather difficult because I harbored some resentment from his years of drug abuse and refused to believe that he had been clean the last several years of his life. I had a very short time to come to terms with everything and it was hard for me. I had been having some issues with the return of my symptoms and I pushed all of this aside to take care of the matters at hand.

During the planning of my father’s funeral and the actual funeral service, I had too many responsibilities to think of my own needs. (I am the oldest child.) I was dealing with grief and trying to figure out how to pay for my father’s funeral. (He did not have insurance.) My father passed away on New Year’s Day and within the next month, my symptoms began to increase in frequency and severity. It wasn’t long before psychosis set in and I began to hear my father’s voice urging me to commit suicide. As I prepared to take several bottles of pills, my best friend knocked on the door. She saved my life that day. I honestly believe that my symptoms would not have been as severe as they were if I did not have an extreme amount of stress at that time. The symptoms were there before, but these events amplified them.

Throughout the entire year, I experienced a mild psychosis. Don’t let anyone tell you that psychosis is always a scary experience. I had bouts that were humorous and even comforting at times. I didn’t worry about these episodes because they weren’t scary and they seemed harmless. I didn’t seek treatment. I kept taking the medicine already prescribed to me, but I didn’t ask for any further help. As December neared, I experienced a deeper depression. Isn’t that normal when dealing with the birthday and anniversary of the death of someone you love? I let it slide. It was to be expected, right?

My father was buried on January 4, 2008. On January 4, 2009, my 31 year old cousin died under questionable circumstances. The coincidence of the dates made my head spin and the idea of being in a funeral home again at this time of year made me queasy. As I sat in the chapel during the actual service, psychosis once again reared its head. Again, it was comforting-almost like a coping mechanism. I watched the flowers on top of the casket dance and gyrate and it was hard not to laugh out loud at their antics. My cousin was buried right beside my father but I occupied myself by watching over others at the service. It took my mind off things and I thought I did well. Bombshell after bombshell kept me from realizing just how bad my symptoms really were. The voices I once had nice conversations with were suddenly turning on me and they seemed angry, and that made me angry. The voices began telling me how worthless my life was and I would see what I believed to be their shadows in my room at night. I felt like they were going to attack me and I became fearful. I took a box blade (For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s basically a razor blade with a handle.) and tested it out on my arm. I intended to cut my wrists with it but the blade was too dull. My family began watching me around the clock and I was not allowed to be alone for a while.

My father's headstone

I am now facing a difficult time of year again as my father’s birthday is quickly approaching-December 23. Shortly after that will be the second anniversary of his death. My symptoms started returning a few months ago as I have built up a tolerance to my medication. I talked to my doctor and he added in Seroquel, which I cannot take. I was still okay most of the time but the shadows were still around. I have just been hanging on to my sanity while I try to figure out what to do. Yesterday, I found out that my uncle had a headstone placed on my father’s grave. I feel a lot of emotions (guilt being one of them as I couldn’t afford to buy the headstone because I am still trying to figure out how to pay $6,000 I still owe for my father’s burial) but I was smacked in the face with a wave of grief that I honestly expected wouldn’t be as bad this year.

Suicidal ideation had returned several weeks ago, and now it is getting worse. Check, please.

Honestly, the proverbial “check” is one of the biggest reasons keeping me from an attempt at this time. My life insurance doesn’t cover suicide and I don’t want to leave my family stuck with the bill. I know that if this continues, that bill will be of no concern to me. I am honestly trying to figure out what to do while trying to assure my husband that it is not his fault and it’s not mine either. (Ahh, marital bliss and bipolar disorder. Insert sarcasm here as you all know it makes relationships much more difficult.)

Now, did my stress cause my symptoms? No. They existed before the stressors were introduced in each and every instance. Did stress make the symptoms worse? Of course, but it did not cause the symptoms. Yes, I became suicidal after stress got the better of me each time but think of it this way: If you’re a parent and you have a child (or two, or three) that get sick you take care of them for several days while they recover. By the time you end up catching whatever they had, you are worn out and it’s harder to deal with. That’s exactly how it is. You expend a lot of energy trying to cope with the return of symptoms and then when stress is introduced you are just too worn out to deal with it any more.

In short, the answer is this:

Stress does not cause the symptoms of bipolar disorder, although it may appear that way. The symptoms were present before, but may have seemed manageable or appeared to be minimal. Stress overloads bipolar disorder and the symptoms become more apparent and harder to deal with.

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Categories: About Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2, Cyclothymia, My Personal Experiences, NOS, Psychosis, Symptoms
Tags: about, all, bi polar, bipolar, burial, causes, coping, death, disorder, does stress cause the symptoms of bipolar disorder, father, funeral, health, illness, mental, Psychosis, stress, suicide, Symptoms