Life-Pros and Cons
Posted By atorturedsoul on September 6, 2009
Isolation. I can’t think of a single thing that’s worse than feeling isolated-at least not at this moment because this is how I feel.
I feel as if I am searching for something that doesn’t exist. Every fairy tale ends with “happily ever after” and I think many of us spend our whole lives searching for just that when it simply doesn’t exist. Which is worse-continually searching for it without knowing or realizing the truth?
My point is this: If we know that true and everlasting happiness cannot be achieved, what is the point of wasting years or even decades trying to capture mere moments of bliss? Are these few precious times of joy worth the long and agonizing waits between them? I used to think so, but now I really don’t know.
I have always heard, “Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.” If that is true then how much life do we truly have when we are simply waiting for the next fleeting moment of happiness? I used to take stock of my life by thinking of the last time I was suicidal and listing all of the good things that happened after that and realizing that I would have missed all of those things. I now wonder if those few things are worth days, months, years, and decades of agony and constantly struggling to exist. I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I do know that there is an emptiness in all of us that we spend our lives trying to fill. What happens when you realize that you can’t fill that void? This is my dilemma. I now realize that I am the only one who can make myself happy and I am not sure I have the energy or the desire.
I have said before that knowledge is power but knowledge is also dangerous. Learning these things…weighing out the joy and sadness in my life…is a very dangerous thing.
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About the author
I am a new follower to your blog. I feel your words…in fact have said many of them myself. People with the pain of a mental illness do not have the same fears regular people have. I am not afraid to die…I am afraid to live. The agony in my head and heart overwhelms to such a desparate degree, the only time of relief is when I sleep. The thought of sleeping permanantly seems fairly appealing most days.
On the other hand, you are doing a great service by chronicling the life of a fellow sufferer. I hope you are aware of the good you do. You give the rest of us a voice. At the same time you are a mother to children who are completely dependent.
Please hang in through the hard times!
You give me courage and perspective.
Love you
Jim