All About Bipolar: Long rant…hypochondriac? Puh-leeze
Posted By atorturedsoul on July 16, 2009
Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, things just aren’t going to get any better. Today is one of those days.
My husband has always been the one person I am completely honest with. I have always told him exactly how I was feeling and I thought he tried to understand what I am dealing with. Now I am not so sure.
If you read my blog, you know that I often write about research findings and news items related to bipolar disorder and mental illness. I was talking to my husband about one of my recent posts-the study linking schizophrenia and bipolar disorder to chromosome 6. He stops me and says that he thinks that it may not be a good idea for me to read all of this stuff or write about any of it. Huh? He said that he thinks I read this stuff and it puts it in my head and then the word hypochondriac was used. Are you kidding me?
Most of you know that I occasionally write about my feelings and try to find my triggers and ways to cope with my emotions. I also try to understand how it affects the people around me. All of the symptoms I have were here long before I started reading anything about bipolar disorder. I started looking it up on the web AFTER I had my second bout of psychosis. It’s not like I read about any of this and started thinking I had these symptoms. I have had them for years. My research was the result of my illness…not the other way around.
Honestly, this state of mind is wonderful. Inventing this type of disorder is so much fun. Yea right. Does he think I like living like this? If I wanted to invent this illness, I think I would stick to the manic side of it and avoid the depression. I know there are people who are hypochondriacs. I am certainly not one of them. I hate to go to the doctor and I only go when I have to get my meds. I never go when I am sick.
Want an example? When I was about 19 years old, I was putting a new paint of coat on my grandmother’s concrete statues. In order to do this, you have to scrub the grass and dirt off the bottom. One of the statues was about 3 ½ to 4 feet tall. I leaned it over to scrub the bottom and it was heavier than I thought. It fell and caught my hand between the concrete statue and the sidewalk. It busted open my pinky and I had blood going everywhere. I went in and washed the blood off and had my grandmother bandage it so I could paint without getting blood on the statue. I went right back out and finished scrubbing it off and gave it two coats of paint. I found out about two weeks later that I fractured it.
How about another? When I was 14, I slid on ice and landed flat on my back on concrete. I went about my business as usual. A few days later, one of my legs went completely numb and I couldn’t walk without a cane. I refused to go to the doctor. The next week, the other leg went numb. I still didn’t want to go to the doctor but I spent two weeks unable to walk and then my grandmother made me go. I went to an orthopedist and when he tested the reflexes on my legs, I had none. He sent me for a cat scan and it ended up that I had a slipped disc pressing on a nerve. I never complained and didn’t want to go to the doctor.
Want something more recent? My dog tripped me last year and I sprained my foot. I wasn’t going to the doctor but my mother scared my husband to death telling him I could have a blood clot and die. (Who’s a hypochondriac? My mother and husband.) I laughed at them but they wouldn’t stop until I went to the doctor over a damned sprained foot.
I have severe migraines and I don’t take anything for them and won’t even mention it to my doctor. I have went to the doctor for a checkup when I was younger and when the doctor listened to my chest he sent me for an x-ray and said I had pneumonia. I told my doctor I had allergies for over a year before he figured out I was having trouble breathing and sent me to have a pulmonary function test and found out I have reduced lung function. I went into shock because I lost so much blood with my first miscarriage because I wouldn’t go to the doctor because it was after hours and it would be more convenient if I went the next day. Since the birth of my youngest child, I have had two periods a month and I still refuse to have a pap smear. (It’s been eight years since my last one.) I had a c-section and never went back to the doctor after I left the hospital with her. When my youngest son was born, he was about a week old and I had a fever of 104. I told my husband I was fine and told him to go to work and I would take some Tylenol. He made me go to the doctor and it turned out I had a uterine infection.
I am not a complainer and I have a high tolerance to pain. I DON’T go to the doctor (for anything other than my meds) unless someone makes me go and if they don’t go with me I won’t tell them why I am there. Despite all of this, he calls me a hypochondriac. I started out hurt but now I am just angry. If my own family doesn’t believe me….ugh. Does this mean I can stop taking my meds since it is all in my head? Maybe if you saw me without them you would remember why you made me go and get on them in the first place.
Anyway…ever heard the song Faint by Linkin Park? That’s what I am listening to today.
I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact
That everybody can see these scars
I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t convince you
To just believe this is real
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here cause you’re all that I’ve got
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me I won’t be ignored
I am, a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
Cuz you don’t understand I do what I can
Sometimes I don’t make sense
I am, what you never wanna say, but I’ve never had a doubt
It’s like no matter what I do I can’t convince you for once just to hear me out
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
You face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here cause you’re all that I’ve got
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me I won’t be ignored
Hear me out now
You’re gonna listen to me like it or not
Right now, hear me out now
You’re gonna listen to me like it or not
Right now
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me I won’t be ignored
I can’t feel
Don’t turn your back on me I won’t be ignored
Time won’t tell
Don’t turn your back on me I won’t be ignored
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All About Bipolar: Long rant…hypochondriac? Puh-leeze- Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, thing… http://bit.ly/GfQ8m
That is frustrating. I hate being told “It’s all in my head.” Well, yes, as a matter of fact it is, my head is very screwed up.
I’m the same way you are about going to the doctor. Perhaps it’s because we’ve been told these for so long, we want so desperately to prove them wrong. I know you are definitely not a hypochondriac.
Sheri’s last blog post..Silliness Today or Thirsty Thursday
All About Bipolar: Long rant…hypochondriac? Puh-leeze- Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, thing… http://bit.ly/GfQ8m
I so know what you mean about the hypochondriac thing. I have bipolar, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and arthritis, all (well, except for the bipolar, that was diagnosed only once, but it’s very obvious that I have it) diagnosed repeatedly by many different doctors, and I get the hypochondriac thing all the time!!! It is very frustrating, as you know. I hope that your husband starts to understand better, I’m sure that was a blow to hear that from him.
‘Faint’ is a great song, I always think of my mother when I hear it.
“‘Faint’ is a great song, I always think of my mother when I hear it.”
lol I completely understand that!